As a child I knew I was different, not only for the spiritual knowing, visions, and feelings I had, but for the way I was as a human. Physically, I was thin, tall, and emotionally I was shy inside myself, even though my outer actions didn’t reflect this at times. Mentally, I was bright, but lazy; I wouldn’t do something if I didn’t want to or would do a half-hearted job. As the middle of three daughters, I was different. It was like I was functioning with different personalities; ones which would accommodate the outside world and one which was the real me inside. At a young age, I learned to keep myself away from others and didn’t fully understand why then. Spiritually was the place I felt whole.
I belonged to Brownie Scouts as a child but remember no close connections. As a teenager I was very tall and thin 6’2″ tall. Two boys in the whole high school were the only ones taller than I was and one went to my church. I wasn’t athletic, even though I was on the basketball team until I got hurt, then I was done with that sport. I was medically excused from other sports for allergies or because I just didn’t want to do sports. I had girl friends with whom I did some things and I dated a couple of boys from church, but no one who I felt close enough with to share my heart. I went to a few football games in high school, but I didn’t like the brutality of the sport nor being so cold sitting on the bleachers outdoors. I didn’t join clubs or participate in anything but church activities until I moved away from home at 19 years old. I was different.
I could see that others had many friends, joined clubs, participated in many activities during all of the school years. I tried to fit in but it was too much effort to be someone I wasn’t, so I just stopped trying and let things be. The church group was the only place I felt I fit in and I loved it. Spirit was helping me learn lessons in accepting how things were in my life, in not being among the “in” group, in defining who I was willing to be inside myself, and when it was time to let go. I noticed others who were on the outside of groups or seemed to be alone. I felt deep compassion for all those I experienced who were different and did what I could to help from a child on.
Our family was friends with other families who had children our ages and we got along, played and did things children do, but there was not the close connection. I was aware that in many ways I set myself apart from others and at times it was very lonely and I didn’t know how to change it. I didn’t think, say, or do things like others most of the time. So, I had this place inside me that knew I was to keep space around me. Spirit helping me learn to shield myself from involvements that were not important to my path.
When I went to work, I was more comfortable than in social situations as being close was not appropriate. This worked well for me as I was good at performing whatever needed to be done. I was quick and smart which got me promoted right up the ladder. Work was where I fit in comfortably and I loved being able to accomplish a lot. Most of the positions I had required travel, so I was able to be on my own. This served me well in my career. I knew I was still different, but in a way that worked for me personally in building my self-esteem and self-reliance and worked for my employers.
Working helped me realize that being different was a good thing in that environment. Socially I began to feel like I fit in as I could see some felt the same way I did, so it was natural for me to put them at ease as I knew how they felt. Spirit revealing to me the creativity that was mine alone and showing me my compassionate nature in my differentness.
When I married, I was also different, as at that time not many women 28 years old married a 40-year old man with three children. I felt different in the family as I was the new outsider; there was my husband and his children, and me. There is a subtle energy that runs through families like this that I felt, like the circling of the wagons. I knew I was to be an anchor in this family and I knew that all the times in the past that I felt different and worked my way through my feelings to peace within was training for the journey with this family.
Being different throughout my early life prepared me for the majority of the rest of my life. Spirit had helped me get the tools inside myself by my being different. Every time I felt outside of a person or group, I went inside and found the place where I knew I was okay. Every time someone said, wow, you are so tall, I learned to embrace my height as it gave me the advantage of being looked up to physically and gave me a leader presence. This leader presence then led me to want to be a leader, not necessarily in a public manner, but in a private spiritual manner as a leader of souls by my example. I won a tall woman’s beauty contest and being tall became a source of joy.
I walk, talk, and sing faster than most people and at a recent dance, a partner told me that I dance a half of a beat ahead of the music. His words felt like the way I had lived my life, a half a beat ahead! It gave me another understanding of how I was different.
The most important way I became different was spiritual. In my adult years, I no longer hid who I was, what I did, and how I did it. I began healing people and talking about it. I opened Sacred Healing, LLC in Oregon, went to expos and fairs as well as had individuals and groups to my home. I stepped outside religious structure to use pure Divine Light to do the healing and spiritual work. Most didn’t understand and I was again different, but I knew it was right for me and that I was Spirit led. There are people who lead the way for humanity in new ideas and techniques and I knew I was, and am, one of those people.
Being different became an honor, a respect I gave myself, a way of being that served Spirit and those around me. I didn’t run with the crowd, go along because everyone else was doing it, or curry favor with my boss or anyone else. I held true to the part of me that had been the real me inside, the me that was all Spirit. I saw that I had been leaving space around me until I was free to express me as Spirit.
As I look back over my life, I see the path that Spirit led me along with the peaks and valleys of being different, the path that led me to know exactly who I am, and that, yes, I am different and cherish it. Two Near-Death experiences in my life, speaking and writing about them again made me different. Being different has helped more people than I realized as those who have had the courage have let me know that I made a difference in their lives, some between life and death others in multiple areas in multiple ways.
My gratitude is great for staying steady when my being different was shunned, was praised, or was just there. I wouldn’t have changed a thing as it all deepened my connection with Spirit and paved a path for others who choose to follow a different example.
Reggie is different too as he barks to his own tune at everything that moves. It doesn’t matter if I am knocking on the sliding door or yelling out the window for him to stop barking. He knows that he is the protector of the property and I don’t see or smell what he does. So, I wait a bit for him to slow down the barking, then call him in. He too enjoys being different and being led by his Spirit guides. Nancy and Reggie♥